Make Meals the Manly Way -- Bacon

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a lot of laughs here on my articles. I know I do. Do you? You bet your sweet bottom you do. I don't actually know if your bottom is sweet, or smells sweet, by the way, just trying to be cordial. If it does, that's not OK. Might have a medical condition. Get that checked out.

Talking about strangers' chair warmers isn't why we are here. In fact, bacon is why we are here. Bacon is a serious matter, for serious people who cook - seriously.

I'd kill for bacon. Hell, I have.

But you know what is worse than dead puppies? Burnt bacon. Remember when Aeris died? Or When Lavitz died? That's how my stomach feels upon my gaze at burnt bacon. You look me in the article and tell me you haven't stared in dismay at burnt bacon. I know I have.

So, today, I'm here, on the ever-wonderful TAY-Classic to bring you all my recipe for perfectly cooked bacon.

Here is a list of what you need:

  • Bacon
  • Fists
  • Rage

Step 1: Find the nearest package of bacon and tear it asunder.

Step 2: Grab at least one fistful of bacon, two is preferable. If you have three, or more, fistfuls then you are some kind of sorcerer and I demand you give me your secrets!

Step 3: Channel your rage, your rampant anger, your unchallenged fury unto your fists! Your hands are fire incarnate! You are solid heat! You are an organic oven born to blast your food with waves of combustion!

Step 4: Consume the bacon!

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. This is how I cook my bacon to perfection!

Please note, this technique could, and will, cause the loss of your hands and will result in an epic tale of your food victory to be sang in the mead halls!