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Cooking with Friction -- and Fists: Quail

Illustration for article titled Cooking with Friction -- and Fists: Quail

Ladies and Gentlemen of Classic! Welcome — to my words. There has been a lot of 'friction' here as of late. Friction so thick that I am going to fire-blast my keyboard with my fists creating words and sentence fragments and run-on sentences in the name of friction because my fists and rage have not the time for punctuation!


Friction is a wonderful thing. Why? Because it's great for cooking. And, as you all know, we cook with out fists. So, let's get started.

Illustration for article titled Cooking with Friction -- and Fists: Quail

Quail is a magnificent feathered creature that offends me with its very existence. You dare squawk at me, quail? What say you to me squawking my hands around your throat?! Do you know who I am, quail?!

Alrighty, let's get this bird a'cooking!


  • Pocket hatchets
  • Quail
  • Fists
  • Undying resentment toward certain ornithological species

Step 1: Acquire quail by slinging pocket hatchets at its nest.

Step 2: Tenderize the quail by giving it a series of swift jabs.

Step 3: Kill the quail.

Step 4: Bread the quail with flour, seasoning salts and the eggs of its unborn chicks.


Step 5: Pummel-cook the quail with your fists, harnessing your loathe of its certain avian variety, for 20 minutes at 375 degrees Fahrenheit

Step 6: Consume the quail!

There you have it ladies and gentlemen. This is how we properly prepare and cook a quail, by using the power of friction!

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