Greetings, once again, ladies and gentlemen. T'is I, your friendly, neighborhood General McFist and I would like to pose a very serious set of questions to you, the men of Kotaku.
Are we not, all of us, hulking mountains of murder meat? Do not we all neglect cover due to our hyper-regenerative life-force? Do not we all rend our foes limb from limb with their own hands because it is right and just?!
Of course we do. We do because we must. We do because we are men!
So why, I wonder, must I play as a person, who could loosely be called a man, who requires a flashlight to weaken his foes — only to die when struck by a hatchet? Why must I play as a 'man' who can only heal when under the dim light of a lone street lamp? Alan Wake is no man I wish to be, nor wish to play.
Thus, this brings me to the meat of my point: Why are men poorly represented in video games?
In my day to day, it is not uncommon for me to go out and find danger, then beat it to death with itself. When I look into a mirror and flex, it breaks, for I am far too much man for any mirror to withstand. My shirt size is EP — Extra Pecs, and not because I may or may not have three nipples.
I am the epitome of Man. I am a perfect specimen of pure, throbbing murderlust.
So why must developers go out of their way to attempt to make men seem inferior? Why can't they accept that we are uncontrollable, two-legged slaughter houses that make furious, violent love to lady-things and raid our local GMC?
I'm afraid, my friends, that it is to appease our lowly counterparts. You see, my ruggedly handsome man-friends, women are not as brazenly fit as us, nor do they have the leathery man-mouth required to drink boiling-hot coffee. They are our inferiors, and unfortunately, Ineeda Sharkseason believes that women need to be treated as equals, and is relentlessly pursuing an outcome that benefits women as a whole.
However, it is not our fault they smell of groceries. Nay! We portray them justly in games and show everything they can't do! Save themselves! Take more than one bullet! Sentence fragments!
We men exceed all the requirements to save the lady creatures! That's why we evolved to such wondrous, genocidal beings! Weak women breed the evolution of strong males and we would not be the hulking pieces of homicide we are without women.
So, portray women as weak and men as strong, I say! Let the world quake under the weight of our rippling abs and benevolence!
Now, I am off. There's a wall in my house that needs a fist-sized hole in it!